The Not So Secret Diaries of the Fifth Blight
by JessicaJones
Summary: Who knew the Warden's companions were such avid journal keepers? Inspired by the VSDs of Cassandra Claire, and purely silly.
1. Leliana's Diary

_Hello,_

_This has been done before, I'm sure, please forgive me and be amused. Rated T for mild language and dumb sex jokes._

_~jj_

_.._

**Leliana's Diary**

Day 1:

Arrived in Lothering today, taken in by local Chantry. Revered Mother here v. nice, says I can be her lay sister. Certainly beats working the streets.

Nothing to do in Ferelden. Food here not very good. Fashion also bad. I miss Orlais. Too bad about torture.

Day 2:

Chantry robes quite frumpy. "Lay sister" not the job I thought it was.

Day 7:

Raining. Ferelden smells v. bad in rain. Can't wait for rain to stop!

Day 27:

Still raining!

Day 56:

Rain has stopped. Still smells.

Day 689:

Sorry haven't written much. Nothing going on, ever. Ferelden sucks!

Had the strangest dream last night. Maker spoke to me, told me to help someone I've never met. Must avoid spicy burrito in future.

Day 690:

Rose has bloomed in garden. Coincidence? I think not!

In other news, Sister Agatha experimenting with something called fertilizer. Wanted to tell me about it. Fereldans v. boring.

Day 701:

Two Grey Wardens and a rather desperate looking woman arrived in Lothering today. Female Warden looks like person from my dream, has taken me in. Hurray!

Also took in ugly murderous giant. Feel suddenly less special.

Missed Warden's name when introduced, something Cousland. Keep hoping someone will say it, but no one ever does! Now is too late to ask without being weird.

Day 732:

Turns out other Warden is bastard son of King. Was thinking female Warden more my type, but may re-evaluate stance on this. Queen Leliana has nice ring to it.

Day 733:

Alistair has crush on something Cousland. Oh well.

Day 741:

Went to Redcliffe today, fought a horde of zombies. Undead very stinky. Fellow Orlesian to blame, no wonder Fereldans hate us.

Bann Teagan very good looking, terrible dancer though.

Going on quest for ashes of Andraste, to wake Arl from coma, stop civil war, end Blight. Very important stuff, must hurry.

Day 814:

Have gotten sidetracked, went on quest in Brecilian Forest to hunt some werewolves.

Aren't we supposed to be looking for some ashes?

Day 821:

Thank the Maker that's over! Back at camp again. Am so happy I burst into song.

"In Uthenera" roughly translates to, "Werewolves Shouldn't Live Indoors, Definitely Not on a Lower Level Because They Never Let Themselves Out, I Mean Seriously There's Urine and Feces Everywhere, and Maker's Balls It Really Smells."

Day 829:

Attacked by very sexy elf today. Attack failed, and now very sexy elf has joined the party. Foolish choice for Wardens.

Am secretly thrilled!

Day 833:

Elf likes shoes as much as I do. And also frilly gloves. Very sexy elf apparently very gay. Pity.

Day 859:

Sidetracked again. Got locked in Circle Tower, which has no windows. Abominations. Smell. Bad. Dying!

Met an old lady in tower. Incredible rack for her age. Seems to fancy Alistair.

When are we going to find these ashes? How long can Arl stay in a coma without permanent damage?

Day 901:

Told Ms. Cousland about Marjolaine yesterday, and this morning was attacked by her people. What are the odds?

Day 917:

Fought Marjolaine today. Well, I fought, and she just kind of... sang. Feel stupid for thinking she was so cool.

Ms. Cousland sympathetic about Marjolaine. Gave me some flowers. Get sense Ms. Cousland wears comfortable Cadash Stompers, if you know what I mean. Which is that I think she's a lesbian. Planning to make my move.

Day 919:

My move involves falling asleep while on watch. Am a bit rusty.

Day 921:

Ms. Cousland and the elf doing the horizontal Remigold right now. Neither of them as gay as I thought!

Am very sad. Alistair sad also.

Hmm. Alistair now unattached. You know what they say…? Wish me luck.

Day 922:

Turns out Alistair's a virgin who collects action figures. Moving on.

Day 946:

Now in Orzammar. Dwarves smell pretty good, actually, like lilacs and fresh baked bread.

Warden gave me an enormous hairless rat. I love her so much, why does she tease me like this?

Day 958:

Acquired a dwarf. Likes: ale. Dislikes: women who are differently oriented sexually than he thought.

Me too, dwarf, me too.

Day 989:

FINALLY going after ashes.

Some hill folk think Andraste came back as a dragon. Feeling less heretical in comparison. Dragon v. tough to kill, but think this was because it was a giant dragon and not because of holiness.

Warden ripped her scales off and said will make into armor. Warden kind of gross! So over her.

Day 1002:

Healed Arl, and he wants to make Alistair king. Duh, right? But Alistair was still like, what, no, I'm completely surprised.

Such a dork. Really dodged an arrow there.

Day 1036:

Went to Landsmeet, learned Alistair is marrying Anora. Arranged marriage best thing for him, I think, due to extreme dweebishness. Was happy for him.

Then he killed her dad, right in front of her! Anora going to withhold for sure. Alistair so clueless.

Day 1054:

Redcliffe Castle overrun, again. They should close that front gate sometimes.

Riordan already here, of course. Could be because he didn't stop off in the Frostback Mountains all of a sudden to deliver a letter. Ms. Cousland not very focused on whole Blight thing.

Day 1055:

You will not believe who got busy last night. Morrigan! With Alistair the super-nerd!

Must gossip about this immediately.

Day 1057:

Warden going after Archdemon today. Left me behind, took elf instead. Told her I needed to be there for epic song deal, but Warden wouldn't listen. Wish I was banging the boss so I could get preferential treatment, too. Stupid apparently-not-that-gay elf.

Now stuck at gate, following ugly murderous giant, who smells.

Day 1065:

Wardens won, although Morrigan not here. Possible she died of embarrassment. Alistair thing can't have made sense in the morning.

Warden's brother Fergus is moderately attractive, also has castle. Was wearing my skimpy Dalish armor and he kept looking at my boobs. Hope to see him after parade. Ferelden maybe not so bad after all.


	2. Zevran's Diary

_Dates don't fully agree between different party members. They can't do math so good, maybe._

_~jj_

_.._

**Zevran's Diary**

Day 1:

Have decided to kill myself. Concocted elaborate plan for death, consisting of throwing myself at legendary Grey Wardens in hope that they will kill me. Will still try to kill them, though. Habit.

Good-bye, cruel world. Consider this my suicide note.

Day 6:

Still alive. Am surprisingly happy about it. Suicide thing kind of a whim, actually.

Female Warden spared my life, wants me to tag along. Yeah she does, ha. Other Warden pissed, possibly jealous of how awesome I am. Both Wardens are v. sexy. Traveling with a sexy Orlesian and a sexy witch. Ooh, and v. sexy Dog.

Orlesian seems game for it, going to take a shot.

Day 7:

Orlesian prefers to fight with two swords, if you know what I mean. Pity.

Day 8:

Warden gave me some boots today. And some gloves. No pants, though. Think this is a sign.

Day 76:

Wardens and Leliana trapped in Circle Tower. Am stuck camping on Lake Calenhad with qunari, witch and dog. Qunari not much of a talker. Witch not interested, sadly. Dog is a dog.

Am bored.

Day 85:

Warden back, brought a mage with her, sort of a cougar. Seems to fancy Alistair.

Day 94:

Told Warden about Rinna today. Chicks love that stuff. It's only a matter of time.

Day 99:

And there it is! Totally bagged the Warden today. I am awesome! You lose Alistair!

Day 107:

Warden took us to Orzammar. Met some Silent Sisters. Not so silent anymore. Ha!

Day 116:

Convinced Warden to have threesome with hot pirate chick. Mmm. Being me rocks. Not sure why I wanted to kill myself.

Day 129:

Got to third base with Lanaya behind landship today. Seems to think she was Zathrian's first. Unlikely, I mean the man was hundreds of years old and had children, but didn't have the heart to correct her.

Day 131:

At the Pearl with Warden today. Am feeling particularly introspective. Have realized that I play the part of an aggressively debauched lothario to mask inner torment, deep rooted abandonment issues, fear of intimacy due to childhood in whorehouse, PTSD from life as a Crow, distorted body image, etc.

Wait is that a dwarf in drag? Hold that thought.

Day 143:

Retrieved Andraste's magic urn today, saw whole party naked.

Curious observation: Leliana and Morrigan have the same figure. And the Warden. And Wynne! I'm not kidding, they are all identical titty twins. Do not know what to think of this.

Day 159:

Ferelden selling elves into slavery? WTF? I'm an elf! Suddenly v. righteous about this.

Day 167:

Taliesen tried to assassinate me today. Badly. Ambushed the Warden in Denerim but I wasn't even with her at the time. What a tool. I showed up out of nowhere and kicked his ass.

Am free of the Crows! Warden wants me to stick around, though.

She better not try to tie me down. Except like that. But Zevran needs to play the field, hear that? Too much man for one woman to handle!

Day 175:

May be falling in love with Warden. Damnit.

Day 181:

Found earring on dead person and gave it to my Warden. She seemed to like it. Stuck it right in her ear.

Crap! I should have washed that first.

Day 204:

Alistair going to marry ice queen. Poor bastard. Going to be a virgin forever.

Offered to take him to the Pearl but he got all embarrassed and said he had to polish his weapon. Alistair kind of a nerd, I think.

Day 226:

Chilling in Redcliffe Castle. Am told there's a Blight happening. Huh.

Day 227:

Leliana just came by, said Alistair gave it to the witch last night. Mmm, hate sex. Good on Alistair!

Day 229:

Warden wants me to come with her to fight Archdemon. Downside: almost certain death. Upside: v. grateful Warden. Am going.

Day 231:

Battle v. hard. Archdemon actually an enormous and scary dragon, it turns out.

Morrigan disappeared before I could taunt her about Alistair. So sad.

Warden v. grateful indeed. Ah, but she is a tigress in bed, a vicious carnivore with retractable claws and soft striped fur, in bed. Have decided to hang out with her for a while longer. Might even learn her name at some point.


	3. Sten's Diary

**Sten's Diary**

Day 1:

What do you humans expect me to do with this journal?

Day 9:

Being in cage is v. boring.

Day 11:

Villagers threw things at me today. Stones, spoiled fruit, some dog feces. Ate the fruit.

Day 13:

Sometimes I wonder if anything really matters. Today I am alive. Soon I will be dead. What is the difference? Sigh.

Day 15:

A haiku:

tall strong qunari  
hungry in his cage alone  
secretly he cries

Day 16:

Where do I poop?

Day 17:

Met two Grey Wardens today. And an evil mage. I hate mages. The female said she would get me out of this cage. Whatever.

Day 18:

Warden freed me, as promised. Unexpected. Will help her stop Blight, or die trying.

Day 25:

Went to Redcliffe. Fought zombies.

Day 52:

Went to Brecilian Forest. Fought werewolves.

Day 67:

New party member. Elf, little light on his feet.

Day 71:

Mage keeps hitting on me. Ugh.

Day 91:

Went to Circle Tower. Did not fight, camped on lake. Hate this place.

Day 99:

Warden came back with another mage. Curses. Hate mages.

Day 162:

Went to Orzammar. New party member, drunk dwarf. Fought darkspawn.

Day 193:

Went to Haven. Not happy. Fought some crazy people.

Day 211:

Found Sacred Ashes. Fought a dragon. Healed Arl.

Day 232:

Warden found my sword, Asala. Feel whole again. Is best day of my life.

Am overcome with joy. While others asleep, took Asala out and danced naked with her in the moonlight. I love you, Asala.

Thanks, Warden. You're the best.

Day 243:

New party member, golem.

Day 257:

Warden killed the traitor. Alistair going to be King. Ferelden doomed.

Day 272:

Orlesian says Alistair mated with the evil mage. Huh.

Day 281:

We are victorious. Killed an ogre. Did not get to fight the Archdemon myself, though. Warden took Alistair, elf, and old mage (hate).

Warden named Hero of Ferelden. Interesting concept. Mmm, cookies.


	4. Alistair's Diary

**Alistair's Diary**

Day 1:

This is the bestest day EVER!

Competed in a tourney and guess I did OK because this guy in a skirt with a pony tail said I could join Grey Wardens. YES! Toodles, Chantry!

Skirt dude gave me this journal because he said maybe I should write stuff down instead of sharing everything. Not sure why he said that, but here goes.

Commence diaryaring!

Day 4:

Pony tail guy named Duncan. Just met him, but like a father to me. But nothing like my actual dad, the philandering fancy pants.

Side note: why is it called a pony tail? Why not a horse tail? I like horses. Not really enough horses in Ferelden, far as I'm concerned. Oxen not nearly as sexy.

Day 17:

Joining ceremony a bit iffy. Cup much too big, dripped blood on my collar. Saw a man die, v. sad.

Day 23:

Being a Grey Warden AWESOME! All we do is sit around drinking and eating and extreme bad-ass being. Many new friends. Am v. happy!

Duncan says I should keep at templar stuff. Possibly useful, he says. Also says he likes how quiet I am when I'm templar-ing. OK, Duncan, you joker. Love you!

Day 187:

Gave some new recruits the what for. One of them pretty hot. Elissa. Mmm. Sounds like Elicit. As in, I'm going to elicit… something, from her. OK, gonna work on that line before I try it out loud.

Alistair & Elissa _(the author has drawn a large heart around the two names, with an arrow through it )_

Did I just draw a heart in a freaking notebook? Am I a thirteen year old girl?

Day 188:

Big battle today. Have lame mission in tower with beacon. Wondering why smart guy like Loghain can't just count down from twenty?

Elissa on mission also. Nice. Maybe not total loss. Can show her how awesome I am. Hey, sweetheart, this is a nice sword, right? Want to hold it? Ha ha ha.

Day 189:

AAGHHHH! DAMNIT LOGHAIN! WTF?

Day 192:

Deep breath. I'm OK. I'm OK.

Mission not simple as expected. Massive understatement! Am now senior Grey Warden in whole country in middle of Blight. Crap. Ferelden possibly screwed. Am on road with Elissa and a venomous harpy named Morrigan. HATE her. She and her mom are maleficawhatsits, which are very bad, I'm told.

Ooh, Elissa gave me cake. Said her dog found it. Ha ha, sure. I love her. You know who else I loved? Duncan.

AAGHHHH! DAMNIT LOGHAIN!

Day 194:

New friends! Leliana and Sten. Sten hates Morrigan too. High five, Sten. OK, maybe later.

Day 201:

Told Elissa about whole royal bastard thing. She was pretty OK with it. Turns out she's a Cousland!

If I were really a prince, we could get married. Wish I had a last name so could fantasize about sticking mine after hers. Elissa and Alistair request the honor of your presence at the celebration of their royal wedding in Denerim on the afternoon of

Ha ha, just kidding. Should probably burn this.

Day 203:

Had a gabfest with Elissa today about our party members. It's been confirmed: I am indeed a thirteen year old girl.

Day 207:

Saw Isolde today, the bitch who ruined my childhood. Killed her in blood magic ritual. V. mad at Elissa despite hotness and childhood ruining!

Eamon v. sick, gonna go find some magic ashes for him.

Day 231:

Little side trip to Brecilian Forest. I'm sure we'll get right back to the quest for magic ashes to save my adoptive father. Who is totally dying right now, Elissa, hello?

Day 245:

Some crazy elf dude tried to kill us! AAGHHHH! DAMNIT LOGHAIN!

Then Elissa recruited him. WTF? That's it, our imaginary wedding is off.

Day 264:

Am trapped in Circle Tower with Elissa and Leliana. Seen a bunch of messed-up templars in here. There but for fortune, right? Phew!

Met an old lady who is super awesome and drinks beer and fixes my shirts. Also handy with a broken tibia. Love her.

But not like that, ew, she's old.

Day 279:

Elissa took me to see my half sister. Who sucks, what the hell, do I look rich to you woman? Is this the haircut of a rich man? No, it's not, in case you are unfamiliar with the going rate on haircuts.

Elissa's so sweet though. Love her again.

I think I might be making progress with her. She said everybody's in it for themselves. Is she trying to tell me something? Like, hint hint, maybe it's time to get in it for myself, you know. With her. As in sex.

Wish me luck.:)

Day 280:

ZEVRAN I HATE YOU!

Hmm, Leliana seems sympathetic. Really sympathetic. I didn't think she liked men. Maybe I'm just that awesome.

Day 281:

Or not. Moving on.

Day 289:

Hi, everybody, look at me, I'm a tanorexic man-whore with lady hair whose accent is SO completely fake, and for some reason women just fall all over me, maybe it's because I have no standards ever think of that huh Zevran who is me?

Day 301:

And now we're in the Deep Roads. Huh. I think Elissa forgot all about the magic ashes, with all the filthy man-whore sex she's having.

Picked up a dwarf. Possible he masturbates in public. Not sure. Conversation was confusing.

Day 327:

Back at Ostagar. Is v. depressing. Wynne kind of hit on me. Learned darkspawn can giggle, was vaguely disturbed. Also, saw my dead brother's corpse. Looked a lot like me, except for humiliating death.

Day 355:

Andraste's Ashes. FINALLY! Now we can go cure Eamon.

Day 368:

Crap, Eamon wants to make me King. Put him back in the coma!

Day 376:

Killed Morrigan's mom for her today.

Don't tell anyone, but Morrigan's sorta growing on me. Like a toe fungus. If toe fungus were really hot, scantily clad, and did this cute thing with her lips when she laughed.

Kind of fantasizing about her right now. Mmm, Morrigan. I'm not hearts-in-notebooks about her or anything, but yeah, I'd hit that. The girl is an animal. I mean, quite literally she's often an animal. Wonder if she can do a horse?

Day 382:

Some Crow loser tried to kill Zevran. He failed, bummer. Are all Crows this utterly incompetent?

Day 385:

Elissa wants me to marry Anora. Fine, it's not like I wanted to marry you any more, anyway, you stupid tramp. Anora's prettier than you are, so there. A little frigid, maybe, and she got me thrown in prison just now, but pretty, right?

Whatever, she has boobs, I'm in.

Day 387:

Zevran offered to take me to the Pearl. I'm not sure what that was about.

Wow, my sword looks really dull. I should probably polish it.

Day 396:

Fought Loghain to the death today. That felt AWESOME. Revenge is a dish best served all over the horrified face of your enemy's daughter.

Looks like I'm gonna be King. Not King yet, though. Might as well keep risking my life for the next few weeks.

Day 412:

So, today was... different.

Redcliffe Castle a mess. Darkspawn everywhere. Took care of it though, because, hey, we're awesome. Anyway. That Orlesian tool Riordan wanted to talk to us again. I'm thinking, shut up already. Got a coven of blood mages you think would make good Wardens? Maybe a rabid dog? Jackass.

Nope. Turns out one of us has to die to kill the Archdemon. When we kill it it's going to squish our souls right out of our bodies. WTF? Why didn't anyone tell me this? I like my soul! Being a Grey Warden sucks! I hate you, Riordan! Hope it's you!

In other news, I nailed Morrigan. Elissa set it up. Kinky, right?

Day 413:

Gave rousing speech today. Not sure why I focused on Grey Wardens. Most people here don't know a Grey Warden from a tomato farmer. Used manly voice, though, think was inspiring.

Party's looking at me funny. Not sure why.

Day 415:

Elissa killed the Archdemon, and we're both peachy keen and not disensouled at all. Riordan was a dumbass. No surprise there!

Morrigan took off. Whatever, not like I thought it could become something serious or anything. Not like I was trying to find a way to keep her around the castle. No, you're right, logical head voice, it never would have worked out. I'm OK.

Day 418:

So, am King now. Heady stuff. I feel a long journal entry coming on. Brace yourselves!

It's the weirdest thing. If you had told me when I was sleeping in Redcliffe stables that I would be King someday, well, I would have asked you what you were doing in the Redcliffe stables at night and what you just saw me doing with that horse was not what it looked like, OK?

Sorry, not the point. The point is I'm KING now and I can do whatever I want. So get on your knees, y'all, his majesty is in the house. I even have a last name. Theirin, which sounds like "they're in" as in, "Those horses you asked for? They're in your bedroom."

All v. good. Duncan's avenged, Blight's over, and Queen is smoking hot once blood cleaned off. Awesome!


	5. Morrigan's Diary

**Morrigan's Diary**

Day 1:

Mother informed me of the coming Blight and my role in it this evening. Interesting. Was not quite ready for a family, but having Old God for child could be status symbol. No one else has one.

Am starting this journal for my unborn child. This is a record of your conception, oh heart of my heart. When you are grown and feasting on the viscera of a disemboweled world, I hope you remember me fondly.

Day 4:

Considering saying 'tis' instead of 'it is' from now on. Sounds more mysterious.

Day 7:

Mom rescued two Grey Wardens from battle at Ostagar today. One is female, so 'tis the strapping blond I'm meant to shag, I guess.

Day 8:

Mother, seriously? Male Warden is a blubbering idiot who cries a lot and has goofy hair.

Look at me, mom. Really look at me, for once. I'm goth! 'Tis not subtle, with the clothes and this hair, but apparently you've never noticed. Or maybe you're just too uncool to know that goths don't lay with preppy jocks, duh.

You don't understand me at all, mom. I hate you.

Day 11:

Convinced Warden to go to Lothering. Apparently Cousland 'tis a noble family and I'm supposed to be impressed. She's just OK. Kind a square and really into her dog.

Met an archer and a giant, Warden took them along. Archer is a lunatic goody-goody but giant is interesting. A strong, silent type. Pity 'tis not a Warden.

Day 28:

Went to Redcliffe today. Idiot actually son of ex King. Not the stupid one from Ostagar, the Savior one that everyone thinks is all that. Guess the apples fell far from that tree, and hit his sons on the head, making them dumb.

Wardens want to save town from zombies, or something. So many delays. Disapprove! Every extra second I spend with the idiot makes me that much more nauseated. Just want to close my eyes and get this over with.

Day 51:

And now in Brecilian Forest. Great. Idiot keeps oggling the little elf girls in their tiny clothing.

I think Warden and I are becoming friends. She's kind of nice, I guess. Meanwhile, giant is not responding to any of my overtures. Must try harder.

Day 66:

Breaking news: Idiot a virgin. Ha ha ha.

Day 71:

Cousland keeps giving me jewelry. I have enough jewelry. Can't she see I never wear anything she gives me? Oh well, 'tis the thought that counts.

Day 74:

Sexually ambiguous elf tried to kill Wardens today. Suppose I should be happy he failed.

Day 93:

Cousland in the Circle Tower, didn't take me. Whatever, not like I wanted to be in your stupid mage prison anyway.

Elf keeps hitting on me. Ugh. Go away, loser, I'm making time with Sten.

Day 99:

Wardens came back with Circle mage. Old lady's pastimes include knitting and being very condescending. Not a fan.

Of course, idiot thinks she's the cat's pajamas. And I think I saw her checking out his ass, gross.

Did I mention he's a templar? A templar! Mom I really hate you!

Day 101:

I suppose the idiot is your father. I shall try to write of him with more respect from now on. For example, his name is Alistair.

Suspect he's not really a jock. Sometimes he can be sweet. A sweet, insecure whiner who plays with dolls and makes pathetic attempts at humor, all the time, and has an unrequited crush on Cousland.

Sorry, kiddo, this respect thing is hard.

Day 113:

Cousland gave me a grimoire of mother's. Should be an interesting read.

Day 114:

OMM! Mom! What gives? Have to talk to Cousland about this.

Day 115:

Cousland agreed to kill my mom. She's my best friend in the whole world.

'Tis a wonder, but I think Alistair is actually making progress with her. Feel strange about this. Was sort of intrigued by idea of being Alistair's first.

Hmm, the elf seems interested. Will poison Cousland's tea with love potion and point her in the right direction. Sorry, best friend. Alistair's mine.

Day 136:

Journeyed into lost Thaig, fought a lot of spiders. When in spider shape, one tried to hump my leg. Ew. Remind me not to do that again...

Day 145:

Saw Ostagar today. Interesting architecture.

Alistair was really sad. Realize this must be hard for him, finding dead brother and father figure rotting in wilderness. Was struck by feelings of affection. Considered hugging him but did not know how.

Warden decided to burn King's body. Your uncle, Old God baby. Would have rather fed to wolves, but this made Alistair happy. Your dad has a nice smile. Am starting to like his hair.

Day 151:

Picked up Andraste's Ashes today. Stupid religion. Stupid Arl. I froth with disapproval.

Had to strip naked to pick up ashes. And… wow. Wow! Your dad is hot. Really hot. Am kind of excited now.

Day 169:

Arl out of coma, wants to make Alistair king. Huh. 'Tis possible Alistair not an idiot after all. Arl seems to have great faith in him, and Arl a wise old man with beard. Must think on this.

Day 174:

Cousland killed my mom today. Huge weight off my shoulders.

Alistair went with her. He's so brave and strong. And he's never been with a woman before. For the rest of his life, he will remember how I ushered him into manhood. In Alistair I will be immortal, forever young and beautiful and new, our bodies entangled in the fresh discovery of pleasure.

Get to the Achdemon already!

Day 175:

Occurs to me that since Flemeth is dead, I don't actually have to do the ritual anymore. Still really want to.

Day 187:

Alistair killed the traitor today. It was so cool, kind of gave me goosebumps. I guess he's going to marry Anora when this is all over. Whatever, he's mine first.

Day 195:

So long I have dreamt of this night.

I waited for Cousland in her bedroom. No point in talking to Alistair himself, because, I don't know, it made sense to me at the time. Whilst speaking to her, I could barely control my excitement, the trembling of my voice. When she left me alone in her bedroom, I was so nervous I started stealing random things from her dresser.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Warden returned. With Alistair. Damn, he's so beautiful. A golden god unspoiled by experience, as if his whole life was spent waiting just for me.

His laughter, so nervous, still rings in my ears. I capture him for eternity. Alistair is eager, but gentle, as we explore each other tentatively. His body warm against mine, his hands fumbling with my bra that appears out of nowhere. I arch against him in the darkness. He takes me in his arms and I am his, for one night, one perfect night.

Oh... sorry, Old God baby. Maybe you don't want to hear your mom talk about your dad that way.

Day 196:

Alistair gave stirring, if confusing, speech to soldiers. He's going to be a great King. Keep thinking about our tryst, touching my stomach and grinning like a schoolgirl.

Warden did not take me with her to kill Archdemon. Guess we're not friends anymore, whatever. Hope this soul transference things still works when I'm, like, five miles away.

Party's looking at me funny, not sure why.

Day 198:

Cousland and Alistair both live. Guess it worked.

I must leave now, but part of me stays here, with Alistair. Although our love was brief, know that 'twas real, and I will remember your father always, and fondly, each time I look upon you, our draconic Old God demon baby. I wish him the greatest happiness in his life, rule, and marriage.

Sweet child, if you would grant your mother a boon, please eat him last.


	6. Oghren's Diary

**Oghren's Diary**

Day 1:

_(unintelligible scribbling)_

Day 22:

Ima gettin' married to the widder next door. She's been mar

Day 34:

basslabs fassnabs passwabs gasstabs?

Day 45:

Met a Grey Warden today. Cute girl, a little stuck up, maybe. Says she'll help me find Branka. Feeling hopeful for the first time in years. Considering sobering up. Going clean. I am the greatest warrior of my generation, I am stronger than my addiction. This is the first day of the rest of my life!

Day 52:

stone hump a _(illegible word)_ my _(illegible word)_ wife is a deranged nug licker

Day 75:

thanks for tha booze, Warden, uh, what exackly is a shear?

Day 81:

Wynne is a bit of alright, you know

Day 97:

think Somethins wrong wi that Sandal kid allhe ever says is

Day 103:

_(several pages of adult cartoons)_

Day 114:

An' every one was an 'enry, 'enry, never 'ad a Willy or a Sam, no ser

Day 122:

This armor doesent really fit, my arms are like, really long.

Day 145:

I have to write this down before I forget great balls of my ancestors just heard the kid boffed the Morigan ah yeah slam dunk for the newbie!

wait is that Wynne hold on gonna try and give the old lady the good stuff, know what I mean no sodding way is Ali the only one gettin lucky tonight

Day 146:

heh still got it

Day 153:

So thats over. Wonder what darkspawn blood taistes like?


	7. Wynne's Diary

**Wynne's Diary**

Day 1:

Hey there, journal! Want to get back into the swing of writing so I'm going to start recording my thoughts as much as possible. Am in Ostagar preparing for big battle. I love being around all these young soldiers. All so strong and virile.

There's a particular fellow, v. handsome, good shoulders, but so unsure of himself. Obviously a virgin. This old broad would like to show him a few things.

Day 9:

Met a pretty young Warden today. Ah, I remember what it was like to be that age. If I could have just one day in her body, oh, such things I would do.

Day 11:

Battle was awful! Somehow I survived.

Day 19:

Back at Tower again. Yawn.

Day 24:

The raven-haired battlemage was a strict taskmaster, and with Katya it was no exception. As she failed again to master a simple fire spell, he captured the nubile beauty in his muscular arms and pressed her against the wall. As her lushious red lips parted

Wait… lushious? That's not right. Lushous? Luschious? Damn, now I've lost my flow. Where's my dictionary?

Day 28:

How did I never notice this boy, Cullen? My, but he's got a fine ass.

Day 29:

The flush of his skin matched his curly red locks as the young templar watched the olive-skinned apprentice practicing her force fields. She was so beautiful, he thought. Her brow knit in concentration as she sparkled with magical magic. Sometimes he imagined stepping through those force fields, to hold her in his arms and kiss her with the fullness of his desire. But no, it was wrong, so wrong…

Day 35:

Rejected by Denerim Press again. Bunch of chauvinist cowards. I should use a pseudonym. Wynne is an old lady name.

Day 44:

Uldred has taken over Tower. May not have much time for writing.

Day 45:

Think I died this morning. Crazy! Have erected a magical seal to protect me and a few others from Abominations. Templars have locked us in. I fear the end is near.

Day 52:

Okay, still just hanging here. End not so near after all. Am bored.

Day 57:

The tension was unbroken as the small group of mages held the line against an evil that threatened their home. Days passed into weeks, until finally there were no secrets among them, no separation between their bodies as they sought the comforts of each other's flesh, a teeming mass of desperate sexuality trapped in a prison of stone.

Day 65:

Guess who stopped by! Elissa Cousland and the handsome virgin. Also a hearty Orlesian lass. We're going to go kill Uldred. Kind of stoked about it.

Day 72:

Success! Have decided to help these Wardens save Ferelden. She has several other friends: one apostate (disapprove), a horny elf (disapprove), a dog (ah), and a qunari (have a curious urge to knit him something). Still hoping to score with Alistair. Fingers crossed.

Day 85:

Elissa and the horny elf. Doing the hot nasty. I strongly disapprove!

Alistair is heartbroken, poor dear. He must feel spurned. Like he's just taken a big blue lyrium potion but now he's got no one to cast spells in. Such unspent power bubbling up inside him, yearning for release. I should go talk to him.

Day 98:

Have arrived in Orzammar. Warden picked up a colorful chap who seems to be knackered all the time. Warden is an enabler, keeps giving him alcohol. May have to stage an intervention.

Day 101:

Oghren has fabulous ale. Intervention postponed.

Day 133:

Went back to Ostagar today. Made a pass at Alistair, didn't work out. Seems to think of me as his grandmother. Oh well.

Found Cailan's body. He and Alistair look so alike, I can't believe I never noticed. As we took his body down, I closed my eyes and thought, yes, it was just as in my dreams. To hold his firm young flesh in my arms, kiss his smooth skin, rest my face in the hollow of his shoulder.

Except in my dreams he was alive and didn't smell so bad.

Day 141:

Horny elf keeps talking about my breasts. Ugh. Not touching that one. No telling where he's been.

Day 145:

Retrieved the Urn of Sacred Ashes today. What an amazing experience. To be proven worthy in a test of courage, wits, and honor. To stand before a relic lost for centuries, a relic so powerful it could heal a man beyond the reach of magic. I am humbled beyond words.

Also, got to see Alistair naked. He he he.

Day 154:

Maker, it's been a really long time. Reconsidering the horny elf.

Day 169:

Alistair killed Loghain today. The boy has such strong arms. Yes, still carrying that torch. Elissa passed him off to Anora like a pair of unwanted slippers, foolish bint.

Day 174:

Spending the night in Redcliffe Castle tomorrow. Love it there. Always nice to see Teagan.

Day 175:

The dashing bann opened the door just wide enough to slip quietly into the spare bedroom. When he lit a candle, he discovered his error: it was not his servile mistress sleeping there, but instead a gray-haired mage. When she awoke, surprised but not afraid, the bann decided that he would not seek his young strumpet. Tonight he would trade secrets with a woman of experience.

Day 176:

Heard Alistair made love to the apostate last night. Should be angry, perhaps scandalized, but finding that I understand. Might die tomorrow, and we're all scared, seeking the company of people we would normally avoid. Like Oghren.

Yeah… that happened. Was v. drunk.

Going after the Archdemon today. Hoping hangover doesn't affect my casting. If I don't survive, somebody send my manuscript back to Denerim Press. Might be worth more if I'm dead.

Day 179:

Archdemon caused us a bit of trouble. Thought Elissa was dead for a minute, but then she jumped right up before I got a chance to heal her and stabbed it to death. So, Blight's over, congrats all around.

Alistair looks smashing in his golden armor, and the apostate seems to have disappeared, so that door's open again! Going to hang out in the castle for a while, in case he needs me.


End file.
